C'est la vie

Unlike many Americans, I've never had much of a problem with The French. Have had good times in France and met lovely people. I've certainly sampled enough of their wine to get some sort of honorary mention above the standard "Americans suck" opinion. I'm particularly fond of the French today. They occupied Cambodia for many years and left behind some killer things. 1) A street system/grid that is both marked and navigable. I walked all over Phnom Penh today with the help of nothing more than a tourist map and my decent sense of direction. Not only did I not get lost, I got exactly where I wanted to go. 2)The croissant and the baguette. 3) REAL COFFEE. As soon as I got to town and got a room, I proceeded immediately to the nearest cafe and had an iced coffee and a croissant. After 2 weeks of nescafe instant crap in Thailand, real coffee was such a treat. I think I ate the croissant in 3 bites (with surprisingly good marmelade) and proceeded to order a baguette to follow. "Wis ham or chees?" "just plain thanks. Yes, just the baguette." After nothing but noodles, stir fries and curries, just the baguette was all I needed. 4) Colonial architecture. It's everywhere, in varying states of decay/use/restoration. Some of the hotels on the riverfront are beautiful.

Today has been a day of high highs and low lows. I arrived here early and was checked into a guest house and on the town by 10 AM. Immediately I liked this city. It's far more easy to navigate than bangkok and aside from the tuk tuk touts and beggars, people are a bit less in your face. There are no 7-Elevens (which are on every corner in Thailand); there are hardly any ATMs. There are bicycles (I saw exactly one in almost 2 weeks in Thailand). Parts of the city are nice looking. The market is great....I finally did some shopping and *think* i got a good deal on a bit of jade and silk. I even managed to find the shopping mall where I bought a new camera, so I'll have photos of Angkor Wat at least.

Things were going well and I was in a really good mood. I told myself not to ruin it. I really grappled with the decision of whether or not to visit SR-21. I was having such a good time...but I decided to go. I just finished a book about the labor camps, starvation, killings, etc. and it was too much in my head to not see it. I could tell by being in town for 3 hours that the national psyche is fucked; people will do anything for a buck because they dont know any other way. People are also my age or younger. I can count on one hand the # of people i've seen today that are over 40 years old and the look they carry around with them speaks volumes.I was prepared for all this. I'd visited a wat and knew there would be beggars, amputees, Pantless 5 year olds with their 2 year old brothers on their backs...they were out in full force and while it was definitely more in your face than Port Authority at 10 PM, I knew how to just walk on by.

What I did not know how to do was deal with the 60 second insanity that hit me when my tuk tuk pulled up at Toeul Sleng Genocide Museum. The fare was 3 bucks (USD is all they use here) and I had a 5 dollar bill or 2 singles. Of course my driver didnt have change. In the 3 seconds it took for us to establish the fact that I needed to hop out and cross the street to get change, I entered something of a nightmare. Instantly and practically INSIDE my tuktuk were stumps - elbows, wrists, knees, ankles - literally shoved in my face from both sides. I dont know where they came from but it was like something out of Night of the Living Dead - except it wasnt. It was real. I had entered the vortex of beggars and felt like I was in Jesus Christ Superstar (see my eyes i can hardly see). The amputees were everywhere and I was starting to feel like I couldnt breathe, and getting increasingly pissed off at my tuk tuk driver who could have easily talked to one of his boys and made change for me. I was about to just tell him to keep the 5 when I heard something of a moan/scream and there was an empty hat in my face amidst the stumps. I looked up, ready to tell the owner to piss off; i wasnt giving him any money, but instead i had to look away because I almost instantly threw up. The owner of the arm had a face mauled by either napalm or gasoline. One eye was completly white and near his ear; his nose was a hole where it didnt belong and I looked away before I saw the rest of him. I also screamed something along the lines of "NO! get out of my way" as I jumped out and ran across the street to get change trying not to puke. I really didnt mean to be a bitch but I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. To my right was an institution of the worst crimes against humanity - which I willingly came here to see - and to my left were its living victims. "What the fuck am I doing here" definitely crossed my mind about a hundred times in 30 seconds.

SR-21 takes about 30 minutes to see. I opted not to hire a guide because I really couldnt bear to be there longer than needed; I knew I had to reserve the right to bolt at a moments notice. What I saw there was unspeakable. What I saw outside, and my senses heightened, what I continue to see along the river tonight, will haunt me for years.

Ladyboys and Me are Pretty Good Company

Ladyboys are everywhere in Thailand. Serving you beer at a bar, cleaning your guest house, cooking noodles and tweezing their armpits at a food stall on the side of the road. It's an accepted part of society, people have told me. The Thais just view them as "born different" and (supposedly) homomphobia is nowhere near what it is in western cultures. Not sure if I believe that, but considering there are ads in the Thai papers for "become lady now!" the way the village voice runs escort ads, I am inclined to agree. The average operation happens young, at age 20 or so, and I've read that Thailand is the world leader in sex change operations.

I'm on the island of Koh Lanta and have been for the past 5 days, though it feels like a lot longer. The whole island is 25 miles long and I'm on the northern-most beach in the center of a cove with views of Phi Phi and smaller islands. The island has one main road that runs north-south along the west coast, parallel to the sea. the beach is dotted with guest houses and bars, restaurants, massage huts - there are maybe 2 or 3 "resorts" on the island, which basically means bungalows + lounge chairs and a pool. The east coast of the island has an old town, but I havent made it past one beach south of where I'm staying.

After a 4 hour ferry delay from Krabi, I arrived here the day before Christmas eve, to find every restaurant/bar on the beach advertising "Christmas Eve Party! Beach BBQ!" My guest house had the most interesting party planned - a "buffy" dinner, dancing, comedy show and fireworks. All for 500bht (about 15 bucks). I was in. It was even better when one of the women running the guest house who I chatted up at breakfast handed me a ticket for free. The stipulation was that i had to "come make pretty dress." (Translation = wear a dress, I think.) Luckily, I'd packed one dress so I was set.

At promptly 7:30 there were frantic knocks on the doors rounding up the lazy guests, most of whom had sat in the sun all day and were near comatose from too many Changs + a sunset massage. "Party start NOW!" "Food ready NOW!" If you've ever been yelled at in mixed Thai-english, you'd know why in 3 minutes flat, all 30 guests were promptly seated in the outdoor dining room, attentive and hungry. Not the most soothing tongue.

I took an open seat next to a badly burned irishman and his fiancee in the middle of the long table and hit the buffet. The food was okay but the company was good - also met a danish mother and daughter who were backpacking for 3 months. They'd done a 16 hr train ride from Bangkok to the deep south (1 province south of where I am, at the Malyasia border)and were recounting the horrors of a 20 person sleeper car. I suddenly didnt feel so lonely; especially as the staff started putting santa hats on some of the guests. We were given only about 30 minutes to eat - the lights flicked off and on and it was showtime.

The show started with a little girl in traditional dress doing a dance with a candle to traditional thai music, which was great. People were smiling and taking photos and her mother was beaming. Instantly the mood changed ripe with anticipation (i think i smelled a little fear too) when raging techno started pumping from the stereo and our waitresses - the staff ladyboys - took center stage. First up was perhaps the skinnyest queen i've ever seen (maybe they threw in a stomach stapling for free) with a washboard stomach dressed in a red bozo the clown wig (red = xmas theme, i guess???), black panties, black bra and a sheer black belly shirt & skirt over them. It was kind of reminiscent of my prom outfit, except sluttier and coupled with bad shoes. She broke into a weird dance/lip-sync of the techno-thai version of "I Will Survive." Only her tongue guestures were beyond suggestive; there was an obscene moment with a spoon (good thing the bananas were served peeled and sliced); and she just sort of gyrated around, throwing in some pantomime ballet moves when she got the chance. The lucky man next to me got a lapdance. I got it on video. Number 2 was to the techno version of the Scorpions' "Wind of Change" (I shit you not) and was a duo with the taller, more manish ladyboy (who really needed to spend a few extra bucks and get electrolysis on his armpits)who obviously did not practice enough. Guess his dreams of stardom stop on Koh Lanta. Bozo's headed straight for Broadway. Or Bollywood, at least.

It was truly the most bizzare Christmas Eve I've ever experienced, enough to give me a raging migraine by the time the entertainment turned to musical chairs. I went to my room early and tried to sleep, only to be shaken by multiple rounds of fireworks the sounded like they were being set off inside my room, againt my eardrum. I dont know what kind of fireworks these were but they were loud. The island shook all night. It was kinda cool when i peered out of the window to see the lights not in the sky but reflecting on the sea, though I hope nobody lost a hand. These had "light only by professional" written all over them. Not that safety comes first in Thailand.

I decided to stay here for 2 extra days and not go to Phi Phi, though it's supposed to be the most beautiful place around here. Railay beach was beyond spectacular and I'll have to stop at Phi Phi on my ferry to Phuket tomorrow anyway, so I'll ride on deck and catch a glimpse. The ladyboys also run a beauty shop up the road and asked me to come in for a pedicure today. I think I'll let them have at it.

Paranoia Self Destroyer

Paranoia will drive you to do stupid and sometimes crazy things. Like my irrational fear of all insects. I think I was the only person in town last night who had not one, but two places to sleep. One, my modest and probably bedbug-free guest house (actually I think they were nymphs,unable to drink blood yet) run by possibly the nicest family in Krabi, and two, the overpriced bungalow at the spa down the road. In my moment of panic, i booked a room for last night and tonight at the first nice hotel w/ pool and landscaping that I could find a vacancy. Everything was booked for my first night here, so I had about 5 beers and got up some liquid courage to face the hatchlings. Went back to my guest house and drenched myself in enough deet to kill a tarantula, climbed into my anti-insect treated travel sheet, cranked the a/c, and slept prefectly fine - not even a mosquito bite to be had - until my raging hangover woke me up at 3 AM. I did not sleep there last night, but felt too guilty to check out until today, when I discovered that my bugnet had gone missing from the locked closet it was in, yet my camera and the ugly ring were untouched. Doesnt make much sense to me, but maybe whoever took it knows something that I don't. Maybe when the nymphs grow fangs that bugnet will come in handier than it ever could for me.

I finally met an american on the beach yesterday and was thrilled to have someone to talk to. We talked all afternoon, had lunch, swam in the swankly pool, listened to a swedish couple argue and slam doors, shared a smooch and agreed to meet for a drink an hour later. He stood me up. Not the best feeling in the world. I cant even have a drink tonight because the elections are tomorrow and I guess the government doesnt want drunks or hungover people voting. All the bars are closed.

I leave for Koh Lanta tomorrow and hope it's a little better.

Things I Learned Today

1. The thai restaurant on 30th ave in queens that I order from is definitely authentic.

2. It sucks when your camera breaks on vacation.

3. There's a reason why most people don't book guest houses in advance. Sometimes you show up and wish you hadn't, such as me this afternoon upon finding my "extremely clean and new, good basic amenities, great staff" http://www.travelfish.org/accommodation_profile/thailand/southern_thailand/krabi/ao_nang/all/2927accommodations are just a little too basic. I am very scared to go back there; it's up in the cliff and I know there will be minimal (if any) lights on. I also found two weird little bugs that were jumping around on the bed that i am sure are bedbugs. They were smaller than fleas and kind of clear. In fact, I know they are bedbugs. http://www.breaktime.us/video_thumbnails/bedbugs.jpg Maybe I wont even sleep on the bed. But that leaves only linoleum floor. Glad I have the travel sheet and head light. I sprayed so much bug repellent on the bed before I left I'll probably be light headed when I walk into the room. Or maybe I wont go back till sunrise.

4. I'm too old to roll like a backpacker - I think I was probably always too old. I'm staying one night at the Friendly Guest Bungalows (the family running it was extremely sweet and I feel bad just up and leaving) and checking into a spa with a pool tomorrow. It's overpriced but I don't care. I like hot showers and electricity too much. I'm also on vacation.

5. Thai massage is one of the best things invented; it will be my daily sunset ritual until I leave here.

6. Traveling alone is hard; if I don't make some friends soon I might be home for christmas after all.

7. Swedish people really, really like southern Thailand.

8. The sand on these beaches is very, very fine. On my camera is a far better photo of this, mainly because I took it and I'm in it: http://www.tothailand.com/wallpaper/krabi/krabi_aonang_beach.jpg
Unfortunately, the sand somehow got into the grooves of the lens and that was the end of my camera.

9. Ladyboys seem to like me, and I like them back. Think I'll go to the Ladyboy Cabaret show when I get back to Bangkok.

10. I'm really pissed about my camera.

Everybody plays the fool...sometimes

One of the things my friend warned me about Bangkok: being swindled. My first day "in town" (if you could call my luxury hotel down river on the west bank "town") started off just fine with orchids by my bedside, an amazing breakfast and relatively painless ferry ride to the Grand Palace area. Unfortunately, I was told by an official-looking man standing next to 2 armed guards with bayonets that I could not enter the palace for at least 2 hrs as the monks were praying. However, I could easily see Wat Intharawihan (enormous Gold plated buddha) - it was free - then go to Golden Mountain ("climb high; see all of Bangkok; also free!") then come back to the Palace; tuk tuk would take me and cost 30bht ($1usd = 33.8 bht). Since I'd planned to see these things anyway, that sounded fine. Besides, what else was I going to do? It was very chaotic near the palace and I did not have a good map or the confidence yet to navigate this place on foot. I'd been here all of 12 minutes.

A tuk tuk is basically a moped with a passenger carriage attached to the back. There is a low roof ( I dont think anyone over 6 feet could even fit in one) and not really anything to grab onto, save for the decorative rail parallel to where your ass meets the seat. My orientation into third world traffic was front and center - tuk tuks sit pretty low to the ground. Now I know why NYC cabbies from other countries drive like maniacs. It's impossible not to. You slow down here, you die. I definitely shut my eyes several times, took a deep breath of exhaust fumes and awaited the imminent hurling from the carriage onto the road only to be run over by the truck next to me carrying tanks filled with flammable contents.

Lucky for me, we made it to stop 1. Did the driver want half the $ now? "No, you go, I wait here." I momentarily felt a hint of honesty from him. That would soon fade. The wat was fairly empty save for locals making offerings of marigolds and incense and 3 idiots from what sounded like the north of England: rugby players who were posing for photos in front of the buddha (you're not supposed to take photos of yourself and the buddha image). Obviously, they were nowhere near enlightenment. The buddha stood at least 20 stories tall, maybe more. Its feet alone had to be 8 feet long. It was very cool and there were hardly any tourists there; it was a real shrine. There were also several cats sans tails roaming the grounds - whatever that means.

Back at the exit, there was my driver parked next to a few food stalls. Did I mind if he went to toilet? No, not at all. I waited in the tuktuk and a man next to me struck up a conversation. He is a journalist (I'm on the other side of the world and I can't escape them) and has been to LA twice. "America Very Expensive! In Thailand, good value." He is waiting for his mother whom he now cares for; she is inside praying. He bought her sapphire from jelwelry store b/c "it symbolize long live. I nice lady. I should go there; very good value. For the next 7 days is 20% off sale. Better make investment from Thailand." I nod politely; the conversation would be over soon enough. The driver returned and we were back on the road for less than 5 minutes when he pulled over and stopped. At the very jewelry store the other man was talking about! Would I just have a look? Ok, fine. 10 minutes tops he tells me. Again, "he wait right here."

Once inside the ldoors I am instantly latched onto by the DragonLady. She had the evil vibe of a madame at a whorehouse - as if she would scratch my eyeballs out if i didnt obey. Apparently, I was looking at the wrong counter. "These not good for you. This more your style. Is nice," she tells me as my hand is suddenly in hers (they say Thais are non-confrentational but she grabbed my hand pretty forcefully) and donning several rings that I would never wear. I quickly noted that her crimson toenails were so long they curled under the front of her toes, kinda like the wraps of the ghetto princesses who work in PathMark on 440, except on her feet and UNDER stockings. This was not someone I wanted to mess with and she knew I knew it. As I tried to break free and look around, she followed me so close i could feel her hot breath on my neck and it was grossing me out. An assistant-type DragonLady protege followed us as well. One glance to the window and the driver was not in sight. 3 armed guards blocked the door. I was kinda stuck and I was kinda fucked. The only jewels I really liked were loose stones at over $500 USD. While I have no problem spending money, I did not come here to buy might-be-authentic-rubies from Thailand's version of Zales. We finally settled on a sapphire ring encircled by cubic zirconia (no thank you, i DO NOT want to spend $2000 USD on the same ring with real diamonds) for about 75 bucks. As soon as I reached for my wallet, DragonLady became creepily nice. I was presented with cold water and chocolates from the assistant, as well as a certificate of authenticity. She told me the stone was good and to take it and have it reset when I get home; toss the cubic z's and silver band. I half believed her, but I was more relieved that she would not be going home and putting a curse on me.

Magically, as soon as I sign my name on the bill I see my driver pull up. He half climbs into the back seat with me. Did I have map? Yes, I did. But before I could even reach for the map I knew what he was going to say. "One more stop before Golden Mtn. On way." No, I did not want to make one more stop. Take me to Golden Mtn. We went back and forth; I tried not to yell. He was smart: I relented when he told me he had to get petrol. Fine. Five minutes I told him. So, the next stop was a tailor shop. Actually it was one of the most revered tailors in Bangkok but I was not in the market for a wool suit or floor length gown. Maybe next time. I noted that the same idiots who were posing with Buddha were there too. I was visiting scamland and my blood started to boil. Were the monks even praying?

By now I was thoroughly annoyed. We get to Golden Mountain and it's a beautiful shrine, up, up and up a winding staricase through a lush oasis. The top is a golden stupa and panoramic views of the city. Again, crowds very minimal, which I dug. I rang a few bells, took a few photos, tried to calm down, made a donation and headed down the stairs. Only they didnt lead to where I came in. So I was trapped in some kind of maze, my only way out with a driver who was taking me to who-knows-where next. When I found him after taking a short cut out through someplace probably reserved for monks, he was asleep. Finally back at the Grand Palace I handed him 40 bht and waited for my change. No go. I asked for it and reminded him that the fare we agreed upon was 30bht. "but we make 2 extra stop..." I couldnt argue anymore. I was just too pissed to care.

The grand palace was opulent, gaudy and jammed with groups of Japanese tourists. I think they fit their sterotype better closer to the motherland. While trying to avoid stepping into a photo a swedish man was taking of his wife, I inadvertently backed into the frame a 3-mega-lens-fuji-cameras-around-neck-Japanese man was shooting of his friend. I was alerted to my unwanted presence by the subject, a fat loser posing as a deity, when he grabbed my arm and motioned for me to move. It was 95 degrees, I was starving and cranky and it took everthing I had not to turn around and spit on him and the gaggle of ladies giggling at his gesture towards me. But I remembered where I was - barefoot on holy ground in a buddhist nation 20 feet away from the sacred emerald buddha - and made for the boat back to my tranquil hotel.

Day #2 is treating me much better, though I am more than ready to head for the beach tomorrow.