Everybody plays the fool...sometimes

One of the things my friend warned me about Bangkok: being swindled. My first day "in town" (if you could call my luxury hotel down river on the west bank "town") started off just fine with orchids by my bedside, an amazing breakfast and relatively painless ferry ride to the Grand Palace area. Unfortunately, I was told by an official-looking man standing next to 2 armed guards with bayonets that I could not enter the palace for at least 2 hrs as the monks were praying. However, I could easily see Wat Intharawihan (enormous Gold plated buddha) - it was free - then go to Golden Mountain ("climb high; see all of Bangkok; also free!") then come back to the Palace; tuk tuk would take me and cost 30bht ($1usd = 33.8 bht). Since I'd planned to see these things anyway, that sounded fine. Besides, what else was I going to do? It was very chaotic near the palace and I did not have a good map or the confidence yet to navigate this place on foot. I'd been here all of 12 minutes.

A tuk tuk is basically a moped with a passenger carriage attached to the back. There is a low roof ( I dont think anyone over 6 feet could even fit in one) and not really anything to grab onto, save for the decorative rail parallel to where your ass meets the seat. My orientation into third world traffic was front and center - tuk tuks sit pretty low to the ground. Now I know why NYC cabbies from other countries drive like maniacs. It's impossible not to. You slow down here, you die. I definitely shut my eyes several times, took a deep breath of exhaust fumes and awaited the imminent hurling from the carriage onto the road only to be run over by the truck next to me carrying tanks filled with flammable contents.

Lucky for me, we made it to stop 1. Did the driver want half the $ now? "No, you go, I wait here." I momentarily felt a hint of honesty from him. That would soon fade. The wat was fairly empty save for locals making offerings of marigolds and incense and 3 idiots from what sounded like the north of England: rugby players who were posing for photos in front of the buddha (you're not supposed to take photos of yourself and the buddha image). Obviously, they were nowhere near enlightenment. The buddha stood at least 20 stories tall, maybe more. Its feet alone had to be 8 feet long. It was very cool and there were hardly any tourists there; it was a real shrine. There were also several cats sans tails roaming the grounds - whatever that means.

Back at the exit, there was my driver parked next to a few food stalls. Did I mind if he went to toilet? No, not at all. I waited in the tuktuk and a man next to me struck up a conversation. He is a journalist (I'm on the other side of the world and I can't escape them) and has been to LA twice. "America Very Expensive! In Thailand, good value." He is waiting for his mother whom he now cares for; she is inside praying. He bought her sapphire from jelwelry store b/c "it symbolize long live. I nice lady. I should go there; very good value. For the next 7 days is 20% off sale. Better make investment from Thailand." I nod politely; the conversation would be over soon enough. The driver returned and we were back on the road for less than 5 minutes when he pulled over and stopped. At the very jewelry store the other man was talking about! Would I just have a look? Ok, fine. 10 minutes tops he tells me. Again, "he wait right here."

Once inside the ldoors I am instantly latched onto by the DragonLady. She had the evil vibe of a madame at a whorehouse - as if she would scratch my eyeballs out if i didnt obey. Apparently, I was looking at the wrong counter. "These not good for you. This more your style. Is nice," she tells me as my hand is suddenly in hers (they say Thais are non-confrentational but she grabbed my hand pretty forcefully) and donning several rings that I would never wear. I quickly noted that her crimson toenails were so long they curled under the front of her toes, kinda like the wraps of the ghetto princesses who work in PathMark on 440, except on her feet and UNDER stockings. This was not someone I wanted to mess with and she knew I knew it. As I tried to break free and look around, she followed me so close i could feel her hot breath on my neck and it was grossing me out. An assistant-type DragonLady protege followed us as well. One glance to the window and the driver was not in sight. 3 armed guards blocked the door. I was kinda stuck and I was kinda fucked. The only jewels I really liked were loose stones at over $500 USD. While I have no problem spending money, I did not come here to buy might-be-authentic-rubies from Thailand's version of Zales. We finally settled on a sapphire ring encircled by cubic zirconia (no thank you, i DO NOT want to spend $2000 USD on the same ring with real diamonds) for about 75 bucks. As soon as I reached for my wallet, DragonLady became creepily nice. I was presented with cold water and chocolates from the assistant, as well as a certificate of authenticity. She told me the stone was good and to take it and have it reset when I get home; toss the cubic z's and silver band. I half believed her, but I was more relieved that she would not be going home and putting a curse on me.

Magically, as soon as I sign my name on the bill I see my driver pull up. He half climbs into the back seat with me. Did I have map? Yes, I did. But before I could even reach for the map I knew what he was going to say. "One more stop before Golden Mtn. On way." No, I did not want to make one more stop. Take me to Golden Mtn. We went back and forth; I tried not to yell. He was smart: I relented when he told me he had to get petrol. Fine. Five minutes I told him. So, the next stop was a tailor shop. Actually it was one of the most revered tailors in Bangkok but I was not in the market for a wool suit or floor length gown. Maybe next time. I noted that the same idiots who were posing with Buddha were there too. I was visiting scamland and my blood started to boil. Were the monks even praying?

By now I was thoroughly annoyed. We get to Golden Mountain and it's a beautiful shrine, up, up and up a winding staricase through a lush oasis. The top is a golden stupa and panoramic views of the city. Again, crowds very minimal, which I dug. I rang a few bells, took a few photos, tried to calm down, made a donation and headed down the stairs. Only they didnt lead to where I came in. So I was trapped in some kind of maze, my only way out with a driver who was taking me to who-knows-where next. When I found him after taking a short cut out through someplace probably reserved for monks, he was asleep. Finally back at the Grand Palace I handed him 40 bht and waited for my change. No go. I asked for it and reminded him that the fare we agreed upon was 30bht. "but we make 2 extra stop..." I couldnt argue anymore. I was just too pissed to care.

The grand palace was opulent, gaudy and jammed with groups of Japanese tourists. I think they fit their sterotype better closer to the motherland. While trying to avoid stepping into a photo a swedish man was taking of his wife, I inadvertently backed into the frame a 3-mega-lens-fuji-cameras-around-neck-Japanese man was shooting of his friend. I was alerted to my unwanted presence by the subject, a fat loser posing as a deity, when he grabbed my arm and motioned for me to move. It was 95 degrees, I was starving and cranky and it took everthing I had not to turn around and spit on him and the gaggle of ladies giggling at his gesture towards me. But I remembered where I was - barefoot on holy ground in a buddhist nation 20 feet away from the sacred emerald buddha - and made for the boat back to my tranquil hotel.

Day #2 is treating me much better, though I am more than ready to head for the beach tomorrow.