Ladyboys and Me are Pretty Good Company

Ladyboys are everywhere in Thailand. Serving you beer at a bar, cleaning your guest house, cooking noodles and tweezing their armpits at a food stall on the side of the road. It's an accepted part of society, people have told me. The Thais just view them as "born different" and (supposedly) homomphobia is nowhere near what it is in western cultures. Not sure if I believe that, but considering there are ads in the Thai papers for "become lady now!" the way the village voice runs escort ads, I am inclined to agree. The average operation happens young, at age 20 or so, and I've read that Thailand is the world leader in sex change operations.

I'm on the island of Koh Lanta and have been for the past 5 days, though it feels like a lot longer. The whole island is 25 miles long and I'm on the northern-most beach in the center of a cove with views of Phi Phi and smaller islands. The island has one main road that runs north-south along the west coast, parallel to the sea. the beach is dotted with guest houses and bars, restaurants, massage huts - there are maybe 2 or 3 "resorts" on the island, which basically means bungalows + lounge chairs and a pool. The east coast of the island has an old town, but I havent made it past one beach south of where I'm staying.

After a 4 hour ferry delay from Krabi, I arrived here the day before Christmas eve, to find every restaurant/bar on the beach advertising "Christmas Eve Party! Beach BBQ!" My guest house had the most interesting party planned - a "buffy" dinner, dancing, comedy show and fireworks. All for 500bht (about 15 bucks). I was in. It was even better when one of the women running the guest house who I chatted up at breakfast handed me a ticket for free. The stipulation was that i had to "come make pretty dress." (Translation = wear a dress, I think.) Luckily, I'd packed one dress so I was set.

At promptly 7:30 there were frantic knocks on the doors rounding up the lazy guests, most of whom had sat in the sun all day and were near comatose from too many Changs + a sunset massage. "Party start NOW!" "Food ready NOW!" If you've ever been yelled at in mixed Thai-english, you'd know why in 3 minutes flat, all 30 guests were promptly seated in the outdoor dining room, attentive and hungry. Not the most soothing tongue.

I took an open seat next to a badly burned irishman and his fiancee in the middle of the long table and hit the buffet. The food was okay but the company was good - also met a danish mother and daughter who were backpacking for 3 months. They'd done a 16 hr train ride from Bangkok to the deep south (1 province south of where I am, at the Malyasia border)and were recounting the horrors of a 20 person sleeper car. I suddenly didnt feel so lonely; especially as the staff started putting santa hats on some of the guests. We were given only about 30 minutes to eat - the lights flicked off and on and it was showtime.

The show started with a little girl in traditional dress doing a dance with a candle to traditional thai music, which was great. People were smiling and taking photos and her mother was beaming. Instantly the mood changed ripe with anticipation (i think i smelled a little fear too) when raging techno started pumping from the stereo and our waitresses - the staff ladyboys - took center stage. First up was perhaps the skinnyest queen i've ever seen (maybe they threw in a stomach stapling for free) with a washboard stomach dressed in a red bozo the clown wig (red = xmas theme, i guess???), black panties, black bra and a sheer black belly shirt & skirt over them. It was kind of reminiscent of my prom outfit, except sluttier and coupled with bad shoes. She broke into a weird dance/lip-sync of the techno-thai version of "I Will Survive." Only her tongue guestures were beyond suggestive; there was an obscene moment with a spoon (good thing the bananas were served peeled and sliced); and she just sort of gyrated around, throwing in some pantomime ballet moves when she got the chance. The lucky man next to me got a lapdance. I got it on video. Number 2 was to the techno version of the Scorpions' "Wind of Change" (I shit you not) and was a duo with the taller, more manish ladyboy (who really needed to spend a few extra bucks and get electrolysis on his armpits)who obviously did not practice enough. Guess his dreams of stardom stop on Koh Lanta. Bozo's headed straight for Broadway. Or Bollywood, at least.

It was truly the most bizzare Christmas Eve I've ever experienced, enough to give me a raging migraine by the time the entertainment turned to musical chairs. I went to my room early and tried to sleep, only to be shaken by multiple rounds of fireworks the sounded like they were being set off inside my room, againt my eardrum. I dont know what kind of fireworks these were but they were loud. The island shook all night. It was kinda cool when i peered out of the window to see the lights not in the sky but reflecting on the sea, though I hope nobody lost a hand. These had "light only by professional" written all over them. Not that safety comes first in Thailand.

I decided to stay here for 2 extra days and not go to Phi Phi, though it's supposed to be the most beautiful place around here. Railay beach was beyond spectacular and I'll have to stop at Phi Phi on my ferry to Phuket tomorrow anyway, so I'll ride on deck and catch a glimpse. The ladyboys also run a beauty shop up the road and asked me to come in for a pedicure today. I think I'll let them have at it.