99 bottles of pee on the wall

March 7, 2010
Hanoi

I've learned a new dating rule, and one that I did not know should be a rule until now. Always make your dates while both parties are standing up.

I had met a British guy named Stephen at the restaurant in HaNoi where I booked my trip to HaLong Bay. He was a chatty fellow, and when you're traveling alone, you have to take advantage of people who actually want to talk with you. He suggested that I check out the Temple of Literature (first Counfucian university in Vietnam from like 1200) and the fine arts museum, then hinted that he should show them to me himself. I agreed to meet him there, not really sure if it was a date.

I took a taxi to the Hanoi Fine Arts Museum, and sure enough, he was there waiting for me. I said hello and went to the ticket counter, only to be told he'd already purchased them. It was a date. He seemed nice enough to not send me running in the opposite direction, and I had nothing better to do, so we walked up to the museum entrance. Rather, I walked up to the museum entrance. He was lagging behind, and I heard a sort of shuffling noise. At first I thought my New York pace was to blame. Then I turned around. Turns out my first date in months had a serious limp. I guessed he either had a prosthetic leg or had suffered a major injury. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't easily overlooked. Seeing as how he was passing no self deprecating (or even straight ahead acknowledging) comments, I pretended not to notice. Now, I try very hard not to discriminate against people. I went to junior high with handicapped kids and never made fun of them. But is it too much to ask to catch a break? I travel to the other side of the world to get asked out by a gimp? I think this was payback for my trials at online dating, whereby I was matched up repeatedly with men in wheelchairs, and declined to go out with any of them.

In all honesty, the museum was kind of a drag. The main problem was that until we got up to 20th century painting, nothing had dates on it. I was not sure if I was looking at pottery from 200 AD or last week.. With Vietnam being the counterfeit capitol of the world, one can never be too sure. Once we started walking through the modern wing, it was obvious when the French got to town. Perfectly good studies of Van Gogh, Manet, Monet, Rousseau, Cezanne, Renior all hung in one gallery. Only these had women in conical hats instead of frilly dresses. I was at least hoping to see some original propaganda paintings from the '40s, but no such luck. We decided to bail on Confucius and go get some food.

Crummy western food inhaled and the afternoon was young. Did I want to go check out a bia hoi? Yes, yes I did. They are all over Hanoi, practically on every corner. Bia Hois are places that brew beer that morning, for that day only. It's cheap and cold and weak, and whatever is not consumed at the end of the day is thrown out. I'd have checked one out sooner, except for the fact that I'd not seen one woman sitting at any of them. The men get there at 8am and seemingly don't leave until closing time (unless they are tour guides or drivers, men do nothing but sit on their asses all day in this country). I wasn't sure I was even allowed in one. We sat down at a place that “sometimes smells strongly of urine,” according to my snazzy date. I expected him to suggest that we go elsewhere. Not a chance. It did smell like urine. Man, had I landed a catch. Going with the flow, I sat down on the 8 inch high stool, pretended I was in a fresh clean meadow, tried not to lean up against the piss wall behind me, and knocked back a couple cold ones. They didn't taste too bad, and had all the alcohol content of a diet coke. I was asked if I was hungry “the food's pretty good here.” I wasn't but my companion handed me a menu anyway. Among things such as “deep freid snack” (which I translated to mean deep fried snake), was the Wild Animals section. Steamed musk cat, dog with bamboo shoots, porcupine any way you like it and stewed camel would have to be ordered one day in advance. Was this guy kidding me? I decided it was time to relocate.

A plate of really greasy but really tasty spring rolls and two proper alcoholic beers later, night had fallen and I was turning into a pumpkin. I had put in almost 7 hours with this guy. The conversation was perfectly fine and he had great insight on Vietnam; I was really happy to have someone to chat with. But date time was over. He asked to see me again, and I told him sure, if I was unable to change my ticket to leave the minute I got back from HaLong Bay. Otherwise, it was time for me to go. He hailed a cab which I assumed we were going to share, dropping me off first. I did not assume I would be ordered by my date to ride shotgun. The taxis are tiny here, but why I was directed to sit in the front seat, I'll never know. At first I was offended, but then I was relieved. There would be no good night kiss, and that's just the way I wanted it.