Leaving on a Jet Plane

March 19
Chiang Mai, Thailand

I spent my last two days in Chiang Mai cooking and eating (took a cooking class) the wonderful food here, checking out some waterfalls and the anti-climactic “highest point in Thailand” which is nothing more than a sign to which you don't even climb, and stocking up on supplies at Boots, a UK pharmacy chain and the world's greatest drug store. (They could teach Rite Aid a thing or two.) I had planned to go see a Muay Thai fight between England and Thailand, complete with topless ladyboy sideshow, but a massive thunderstorm kept me planted at my guest house, which was fine too. I packed and thought about my time in Indochina.

I've got mixed reviews. Based on what I had heard and read, both Vietnam and Laos were pretty high on my list of expectations. Laos for its soaring limestone hills and untouched beauty, Vietnam for its people, food, history and scenery. Thailand I sort of knew what to expect and was treating it more as a stopover before heading south. And Hong Kong, well...

Hong Kong was fantastic and I look forward to stopping there on my way home. It's modern, clean, efficient and has absolutely superb food. I had not one bad meal there; even the cheeseburger in the mall was good. There is something cool to see around every corner and the mountains and harbor provide a gorgeous backdrop to the skyscrapers on Hong Kong island. Stolen blackberry and all – I can't wait to get back. There is some roast goose that's got my name on it.

I had a romantic notion of Vietnam. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe from books I've read, definitely from people I've talked to, especially for the food I'd heard about. Reality rarely upholds fantasy, this we all know. Mine was shattered sometime during the long bus ride to Hue, a city I still can't wrap my head around. I live in arguably the biggest and best city in the world, and I certainly do not want to spend any of my holiday time in one that pales in comparison. It was filthy and ugly and the people weren't very nice. They continued to become less appealing as I traveled north. Vietnam also has a serious garbage problem. It's evident everywhere. The cities are littered with plastic bags, cigarette butts, dogs drinking from fetid stagnant green puddles in the street. Picturesque countrysides are polluted with trash lining the road or blocking a drain pipe. People burn their garbage creating an unpleasant stench. If the government isn't going to hire someone to clean the trash, the mentality is to just leave it or let it burn. The mentality is also one of utter laziness, such as in the waitstaff on my Ha Long Bay cruise or the bus driver who didn't want to deal with me, or the men who do absolutely nothing but sit around and drink coffee or beer all day. Saigon had real charm to it; nice enough people and great food. Nha Trang, for all my whining, was a nice, mellow town, in the way that beach towns often are. Hoi An is the best place I visited, with the prettiest beach, most unique and delicious cuisine, and a place I'd go back to. Ha Long Bay is one of the most stunning places in the world, and man could it benefit from a luxury boat, akin to those that Burt Wolf cruises through Burgundy on with the Gypsy Kings. But the government won't allow it, so shoddy service and terrible food is what you get. Still was worth it. Hanoi is filthy, ugly, polluted, cold and the people have an attitude to match. Crossing the street anywhere in the country is a real challenge, as they will hit you, but in Hanoi you get the feeling that they want to hit you. I actually cut my time in the country short by a few days because Hanoi was such a bummer. I probably should have gone to China Beach and Danang, but having driven through and seen the mega resorts being built there, I'm kind of glad I didn't. I am very glad to have spent time in Vietnam, most of it good, but am not exactly eager to go back.

Laos was tainted for me due to the cuticle clippers incident, at least Vientiane was. Luang Prabang is a timeless, enchanting town though I don't know how westerners stay there for months unless they are getting paid to do so or running from the law. It's hard to breathe because of all the smoke and the communities in the surrounding country define poverty. People die or get maimed due to all the mines and bombs that are still live. I read a statistic that Laos is the most bombed country in history, and I believe it. Luang Prabang is definitely a peaceful place, but nothing I need to see again. Lao Airlines gets my vote as the worst airline on earth. When I was leaving the country, they had my reservation to Chiang Mai marked as flown. Reason does not work with those brainwashed by their communist leaders, and the simple fact that I had no entry stamp to Thailand, nor an exit stamp from Laos on my passport did not register with 3 different people. They just stared at me dumbfounded and kept pointing at the printout that said “flown.” I tried to also reason that the flight had not left yet, so I could not have been on it. No luck there either. I had to resort to calling the main reservation line in Vientiane myself. It was a very long 30 minutes to get that one sorted. I was ready to go to a place where I was sure my emails were not being screened, and I could access Facebook and YouTube.

Chiang Mai totally surprised me. I was treating it as a 2 day resting and refueling place before heading to Malaysia; that's the only reason I built it into my itinerary. I ended up staying for 5 days, and should have stayed longer. It's a great city with modern amenities (such as paved roads and Toyota 4Runners and buses with air conditioning). People speak English beyond “you buy something!” and the food is fantastic. The markets are sparkling clean and the meat and fish is all on ice, a concept that has not yet reached the neighbors. It has most of the conveniences of Bangkok but with none of the hassle. It's definitely someplace I'd go back to.

In all, it's been a good 5 weeks. Now it's off to Malaysia, which has repeatedly been described to me as "amazing."